~~~ "One Liners" ~~~
(sometimes two)
from every episode

  1. "I'm not even cold yet, and Ricky's lining up girls to take my place!"

  2. "Ever since we said 'I do', there are so many things we don't."

  3. "Good morning Ricky darling...More coffee Ricky darling? ...Sugar dear? ...Cream? ...Jam on your toast sweetheart? ...I want a divorce!"

  4. "On behalf of our tubby trio, I welcome you to our flabby foursome."

  5. "Ricky, I want you to meet my second first husband."

  6. "Well you can lock her in the bathroom. If she stays in there as long as Ethel does she'll never even know the door's locked."

  7. "You better climb in a hole and pull the hole in after you."

  8. "It ain't a regular one, but it'll do."

  9. "Ethel, they're fighting on opposite sides!"

  10. "Congratulations Ethel. You're the first woman ever to wear a mink T-shirt."

  11. "Well that must have made a cozy gathering!"

  12. "Oh Ethel did you ever wish there was something else to marry besides men?"

  13. "Two hundred soles were lost!"

  14. "This is terribly unfair . . . Apparently you can't get a job in this town unless you can do something!"

  15. "Just because there's no fire on her roof, doesn't mean there's no snow in her furnace."

  16. "I got the gobloots from a boo-shoo bird?"

  17. "You have just seen Mrs. Glazingham's play entitled 'Pearl One Drop Two" or "Much ado About Knitting". Isn't that a Dear title???"

  18. "Whoever told you you could play the piano?"

  19. "A-bah!!"

  20. "He's baba'ed his last lu."

  21. "I pretended to be a chair."

  22. "Before Darling", "After Baby", "Before DEAR", "After sweetheart", "Before!", "After!", "before!!."

  23. "I'm just growing this so I can get a part in that Technicolor movie called Moon Over The North Pole. I'm gonna play Santa Claus."

  24. "What a juicy piece of gossip!!!."

  25. "When you get back to your blue-blooded sisters you can tell them the Ricardo-Mertz Investigating Committee looked YOU over and we have no intention of joining your phoney-baloney club!"

  26. "Hello City hall? There's a mistake on my licence and I want to talk to someone about it. What do you mean call the tail waggers? It's not a dog licence. It's a marriage licence".

  27. "Sure I've been taking things, but HE thinks I'm TAKING things."

  28. "Well it seems that when this girl Renita was a child she and Ricky danced together. She was much younger than he was. Somehow she caught up with him."

  29. "You don't suppose he'd believe a cow wandered in there and fell apart, do you?"

  30. "Stop that now, go back and sit down."

  31. "I'm not a maharincess; I'm a Henna-rinsess!"

  32. "All I know is that Columbus discovered Ohio in 1776."

  33. "Oh, I'm gonna need more than fifteen minutes for that!"

  34. "I want this place looking like a sea of honeydew melons."

  35. "Hello Tropicana dahling? I'd like a reservation for Thursday dahling. Yes I'd like one of those dahling little tables underneath those dahling little palm trees dahling."

  36. "Ethel, they're up there drinking!"

  37. "Here, cut off my arm and go to rehearsal!"

  38. "This marriage must never take place because it will be a terrible tragedy and mean unhappiness for everyone."

  39. "Now I know why they call them tellers; they go around blabbing everything they know."

  40. "My goodness, If you're gonna act like this I'll be glad to have you away for three weeks."

  41. "We've all let ourselves become four big, dull clunks.... We are knee-deep in a pool of stagnation."

  42. "What are you trying to do . . . lose the case for us?"

  43. "Wait till I tell Ethel I didn't win . . . Where IS Ethel?"

  44. "This is a chance to hire some talent that has been grossly overlooked in the past."

  45. "One more hour and they'd have reported the death of another salesman."

  46. "She can't help it if she's a lousy joke teller."

  47. "For the office of Vice President I would like to nominate a girl who really deserves the job. A girl who will fight for our club. You can tell that by the color of her hair!!. . . My very dearest, dearest friend, . . . Marion Strong!"

  48. "Later that night Madge was crying softly in her room waiting for the phone to ring. They said they'd call if they found Gordon's battered body when they dragged the river. She waited & waited. Wouldn't that phone ever ring?   . . . THEY FOUND THE BODY!!!"

  49. "Looks like my hunk has shrunk!"

  50. "If I don't tell him soon, I might as well wait and let the baby tell him."

  51. "Do me a favor. Don't cook breakfast for me . . . I'm not strong enough."

  52. "Would you begrudge an expectant swan her song?"

  53. "I would say 'okay.' . . . That's a swell way to get off to a lousy start!"

  54. "We'll have to save that . . . It's the first time the baby's ever been mentioned in print."

  55. "Oh Lucy, look what you did to poor Hercules Mertz."

  56. "He keeps staring at me like I'm going to explode."

  57. "That speech has had more performances than South Pacific!"

  58. "How can we make my apartment look like a pig-pen?"   "Oh, that's easy, let Fred stay there for a while."

  59. "Me heap sorry me smack 'em on coco."

  60. "I was just a bit of flotsam in the sea . . . I was a mess."

  61. "I 'won swish apaments'!"

  62. "With her looks, one tooth isn't going to make any difference."

  63. "Butter on Bread??? I'll never get used to your strange Cuban dishes!"

  64. "If Lucy goes, Ethel will want to go, and I can be miserable at home."

  65. "Just think . . . when Little Ricky goes to school and some of his playmates ask who his parents are, just what is he going to say? 'My father is Ricky Ricardo, the internationally known entertainer . . . and then there's my mother, whose name escapes me for the moment. "

  66. "A lot you know. My hair is naturally red, isn't it Ethel?"   "Uh, look Lucy, let's not add perjury to our other charges."

  67. "Look what happened to YOUR washing machine."

  68. "Oh, you're the dearest, sweetest girls in all the world and how do you want to handle the down payment?"

  69. "Next to sugar, Cuba's biggest export is ham."

  70. "This is a little embarassing Rick, I didn't know we came to dinner with a couple of deadbeats!"

  71. "I hope Little Ricky hasn't picked up any of his good habits, like scratching himself and peeling banana's with his feet."

  72. "For heaven sakes Carolyn, when are you going to get a new deck of cards? We've been playing with the same dirty old deck ever since I've known you."

  73. "Oh you're KIDDING with that aren't you?"

  74. "What did your father ever do but sit around and think up corny sayings?"

  75. "Well, its when you want someone to do something but you don't want them to know that you want them to do that particular something so you make up something else, then they think they're just doing that something else but in reality they're doing the something that you want them to do but don't want them to know that you want them to do."

  76. "Ethel, want to go down and have dinner with the boys?"   "Yes, what boys?"

  77. "Ethel come here . . . . . . Who's William Parker?"

  78. "Well yes, yes, I didn't expect anyone so pretty and charming, and so full of . . . well, so full of . . . well, so full."

  79. "What's Aunt Martha trying to do, poison me?"

  80. "Honey, Little busy's Ricky right now."

  81. "With scores like ours there's not a moment to lose."

  82. "Well I ought to know if you handed me the napkins or not. Are you insinuating that I'm daft, looney, off my rocker, out of my head?"

  83. ". . . And you may quote me."

  84. "Our one big chance to live on Easy Street, and we're married to a couple of roadblocks."

  85. "It's got little pearls and everything . . . and a little feather."

  86. "Are you accusin' me a cheatin'?" "Yep, I'm accusin' you a cheatin'."

  87. "All my life I've been eating oysters and never found a pearl. Five years in a row I didn't win the Irish sweepstakes and only yesterday, at the grocery, I missed guessing the number of beans in the jar by two. This time it's MY turn."

  88. "Oh that Mrs. Ricardo is a darlin' woman . . . and beautiful too."

  89. "To make it fit we crank down the smoke stack and squeeze in the poop deck."

  90. "Oh sue her, sue her!   Get your mind out of the gutter!"

  91. "When Lucy plays the saxophone it sounds like a mouse with a head cold."

  92. "You just put the meat on the griddle, and when your face gets redder than the hamburger it's done!"

  93. "He leered at me and called me honey in a tone I haven't heard since the day before we got married."

  94. "I'm gonna vamp you." -or- "Ya took me to yer bosom . . . I've got a home."

  95. "He was afraid."   "Afraid of what?"   "Afraid he might kill me."

  96. "I don't know what you're doin', but whatever it is, do it later."

  97. "There's one skillet out there that hasn't been cold for a week."

  98. "I will have to have them altered. She's much bigger in the hips than I am."

  99. "Ricky, you're going to stay up and act happily married if it kills you!"

  100. "Five dollars to buy food and have my hair dyed . . . DONE."

  101. "Food always tastes different when they fix it. I don't know what they do to it!"

  102. "And if he soft shoes through the living room one more time singing 'Red Red Robin', I'm gonna let him have it right in the bean"

  103. "I didn't tell a soul and they all promised to keep it a secret!"

  104. "I don't know, but the back of my head isn't going to take this lying down."

  105. "It's in Spanish, but I have a feeling you're arriving today."

  106. "I only intimated that she was a little hippy . . . But on second glance she does have the biggest potamus I've ever seen."

  107. "Lucy's quite a talker you know, especially when she gets wound up with one of her gabby friends like Carolyn. I'll leave a message you called Marge. Oh Carolyn!!!!"

  108. "I've only had one vacation. I went to Mayo Brothers to have my gallstones taken out!"

  109. "How was I supposed to know I couldn't make a U-turn in the Holland Tunnel?"   -or-   "I turned around to give him a dirty look - and no one was driving!"

  110. "I could have loaded it better with a pitch fork!"   -or-   "Oh dear, are we really going to be driving for two whole weeks?... Well I had no idea it would take two weeks. It didn't look that far on the map!"

  111. "We are, unless there's a chain of these across the country."

  112. "Boo."

  113. "Oh, here comes our shrinking violet now."

  114. "This California sun sure makes your skin soft!"

  115. "Don Juan is all about love; it has nothing to do with marriage."

  116. "Well you said you wanted us to come down a little faster. I'm sorry I tripped on my train it was sort of a train trip."

  117. "A plain simple little dress, five hundred dollars, I DON'T believe IT!"

  118. "Mother dear, why didn't you tell us it was Hedda Hopper?"   "You didn't ask me."

  119. "I don't usually work this cheap, but things are tough what with television and stuff."

  120. "For once, the bull will be full of Lucy!"

  121. "Come back here or I'll adios YOUR mu-cha-cha."

  122. "Oh, she's probably hanging around the hotel somewhere."

  123. "You sound like a cow pulling it's foot out of the mud."

  124. "Well for heaven sake, they ARE gone!"

  125. "Be sure to wear your glasses so you can   s e e   a s   g o o d   a s   C a r o l y n   c a n."

  126. "How can you stand there in the middle of all this mess and utter those four horrible words 'I've got an idea'!"

  127. ". . . and I understand she wears nothing but black lace lingerie, what are you doing?"

  128. "Story? What makes you think there's a story?"   "Well, I was restless and couldn't sleep . . ."

  129. "This is your big chance to meet John Wayne and you've got curlers in your hair . . . YIKES!!!"

  130. "What a trouper!!!"

  131. "You'd be upset too if you just had your back seat shot out from under you."

  132. "I left my opal broach in my overnight bag and I wanna get it and pin it to my . . . eh, I wanna pin it!"

  133. "And I'm not gonna lift a little finger to help you any more. You can answer your own phone, shine your own shoes, type your own lyrics, light your own cigarettes and knock off your own ashes. And if you want another roast pig, you can crawl in the oven yourself you big ham!"

  134. "I found that hard to swallow."

  135. "You're about to hear your first discouraging word"   "Well I know my yodelling is a little rusty but how about my singing?"   "You're about to hear your SECOND discouraging word"

  136. "Look, I have a right to know where he is. He's half my child you know."   "Well he's half mine too and unfortunately when I hid my half, your half went right along with it."

  137. "Ethel, give her the money."   "Give her the money?"   "Give her the money."   "Is she going with us?"

  138. "Whoever put the dough in that boy used too much yeast."

  139. "Madam, when that 5:00 whistle blows, so do I."

  140. "Get it back, get it back, I'M that crazy dame."   or   "Well I'll tell you. You may not believe it but I'll tell you. I went down to the end of the pier. I ran 30 yards to the right. I ran down the ramp to the lower level. I saw the little pier with the two little boats tied to it and one of them was on its way. So I raced to the end of the pier and I made a flying leap across and landed kerplunk on the deck."   "well......?"   "THAT boat was on the way IN."

  141. "The way everyone's paired off, I'm surprised the ship isn't called the S.S. Noah's Ark."

  142. "If YOU don't let me be in your show at the Palladium, I'll give you SUCH a punch, you'll talk funnier than you do now!"

  143. "I have a strange feeling I'm not alone."

  144. "Well, we only eat once every thirty years. You know how that Chinese food is - you eat it and a year later you're hungry!"

  145. "Ricky I was never so glad to hear anybody speak English in my life - even you."

  146. "Try and look romantic like Boyer.....he gets an expression on his face like he just walked into the Grand Ball Room and smelled cauliflower cooking."

  147. "Well you just wait and see. Until you put a Jacques Marcel dress on my back, I will put not a bite in my stomach."

  148. "Fred, I'm sorry I called you a dumb bunny"   "And I'm sorry you're so fat you broke my glasses."

  149. "Just my luck I have to get an operator in Italy who studied English in Cuba."

  150. !@#$%^&* . . . censored!!!

  151. "Please give him this message . . . HELP! . . . No name . . . he'll know who it's from."

  152. "You mean my little Honey Bun is Loaded??!"

  153. "You want the strange lady to see you? You don't? Oh, well don't worry about it. No, no it's perfectly alright. No, I'll just tell her, that's all. Forget about it!"

  154. "You got a lump on your head, I got a lump in my stomach."

  155. "I'm going to do Shakespeare with Orson Welles."   "Well what class was HE in dear?"

  156. "He was so nervous he got dressed first and THEN took a shower."

  157. "Go ahead and play, son."

  158. "It's called "The Taft Hartley Visitors-from-Italy who work-in-pizzerias-get-every-3rd day off-Amendment."

  159. "It's alright if you like buttered grass."   -or-   "I'd like another HELP-ing."

  160. "Is Lucy in the tub?"   "No, but guess who is?"   "Ethel?"

  161. "I get such a boot out of it when you sing 'Babalu'. I'd sure like to give HER a boot!"

  162. "I might not be able to understand what you say when you say it, but before you say it, I can understand what you're going to say perfectly."

  163. "Oh Ethel, anybody can see you look more like a witch than I do."

  164. "Who ARE you? WHAT are you?"

  165. "Alright so I'm not Dinah Shore. You're no Lassie either."

  166. "...and 11 o'clock Monday is closer to 2 o'clock Saturday than 12 o'clock Thursday."

  167. "Oh! HONESTLY, the dirt in this city! Now you wouldn't believe that I dusted there just a half an hour ago, would you?"

  168. "C u t   o f f   I t ' s   l e g s ! ! !"

  169. "For Fred to spend ten dollars on a basket of fruit, he must have been hysterical!"

  170. " You know what this house needs? Chinese modern. Yeh. Low black tables and bamboo mats and cushions thrown all around--we love to eat on the floor."

  171. "These are baby chicks and the heat's up so high so that they won't freeze, we're dressed like this so we won't roast, and this is all going on cuz Little Ricky left the door to the den open and would you care for some lemonade."

  172. "If there's one thing Fred isn't, and there's only one thing Fred isn't, it's a chicken thief."

  173. "And Fred's violin?" "Oh I make better music when I file my nails."

  174. "I read somewhere that you should chew your food 25 times before swallowing."

  175. "I haven't been to a party since I was a little girl."

  176. "It's times like these when I wish I kept a diary so I could write, 'Dear diary, Tonight I went out to the backyard and felt through wet cement.'"

  177. "Well don't you worry, it was a plot alright. The three of them and Diana were...were...well, THEY were!!"

  178. 'Well you know that hedge out here that we were thinking of getting rid of? We don't have to think about that anymore."

  179. "Oh for corn sake, I haven't been right once."

A great big thanks to Mike Broad & Eva Roberts for their help with watching
the episodes to ensure line accuracy in putting this page together.
I'm sure they didn't mind!



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